i'm trying really hard to update more

it's been a week. i just don't know where the time goes. and then not having enough time. got my car fixed. for an arm and leg and leg and leg. apparently they are leg people. ha ha.

i have a favourite spoon. mom hates it. but that's not why i love it. i love it because it's been worn in, has a little knot design on the end and is a nice weight. it's also big.

i have now started wearing make-up. i don't know if it's going to lead anywhere but i figure that i can at lest try and make myself look better.

i am so read for julianna to be here. and so read to play with her. she is my ball-jointed-doll that is coming in march. around the twenty i think. i will have to give her up to someone else for make-up but i'm ok with that cause she'll be in the city. where i can drive to see her or look while it's going on. i've found the cutest outfit for her. it's black and red. and has music stuff on it. the name of the outfit is treble clef. ^^ it's so cute. and i don't have to worry about underwear. it comes with some. ^^ the other outfit that i am going to have will need underwear cause you shouldn't wear black under white. even if you are a doll. she is a dream of child i think what's called MSD. mini super doll. her mold is leya from dream of doll.

and once again this is a very selfish post. i do miss my co-worker who went back home and is still ill. instead of stomach flu she now has flu flu. i don't know if i could handle being sick for so long. i would at least maybe finished some projects that require time.

go vote for those of you who live in kcmo.

don't know what else to say for now. if i think of something later i'll try and post.

so update time

so i got resquished. they couldn't redoublcate what they saw in the first one. so they said that i was clean and that it was noise. didn't know that my boobs talked to each other. it was in the right one and it went first. so i think it was telling the left one that it was going to be ok and that it didn't really hurt. it was kinda odd. so that what i think the right was telling the left. lol ^^ anyway i was much relived and felt so much better after. couldn't call everyone right after cause i had to go home to give mom her car back. so i then went with her to her doc appt and sat in the waiting room. started the cardigan that i am making. hope it works. this is my first big project in knitting.

got car back. am happy. very glad to have her back. they even washed her for me. ^^ they said that the fuel filter clogged and that burned out the fuel pump on top of that the relay went out. so not fun. but she is fixed and all better. ^^ and klean. or at least her outside. i need to vacum her and make her feel all better too. and then the stuff or some of the stuff can go back in her.

need to get to bed. want to make it to morning services. that means that i leave the house at six-thirty. so night and loves all.

so update time

so i got resquished. they couldn't redoublcate what they saw in the first one. so they said that i was clean and that it was noise. didn't know that my boobs talked to each other. it was in the right one and it went first. so i think it was telling the left one that it was going to be ok and that it didn't really hurt. it was kinda odd. so that what i think the right was telling the left. lol ^^ anyway i was much relived and felt so much better after. couldn't call everyone right after cause i had to go home to give mom her car back. so i then went with her to her doc appt and sat in the waiting room. started the cardigan that i am making. hope it works. this is my first big project in knitting.

got car back. am happy. very glad to have her back. they even washed her for me. ^^ they said that the fuel filter clogged and that burned out the fuel pump on top of that the relay went out. so not fun. but she is fixed and all better. ^^ and klean. or at least her outside. i need to vacum her and make her feel all better too. and then the stuff or some of the stuff can go back in her.

need to get to bed. want to make it to morning services. that means that i leave the house at six-thirty. so night and loves all.

umk so i chickened out

umk so as the title says i chickened out. i was supposed to go out this evening of the closed minded ona people. lol i was supposed to go to the floo show with the woman who hit on me at work. i told her not this evening because i was not dressed, car is broke. the real reason...i am so scared. i don't know. i am so scared of the unknown that i can't move forward. i want to. i want to have a relationship. it's like repelling. the first step over the edge is so scary that you don't want to but when that's over you're going so quickly and wonderfully that you don't realize what it took to get to the high and want to do it again but then it's the first step all over. and this could be my real first relationship that could go either good or bad. it that i've had so much baggage with the others and neither of us in the relationship was ready for one. but was just looking to not be alone. which is not good in general to go into a relationship. which at the time you say i am not going into this so that i won't be alone but deep down you know it's true or you would not have started with saying that to begin with. so i just need to suck it up and get a little help from whoever to get that first step down.

so i am still scared about tuesday. everyone that i talk to keeps telling me it will be ok. and i am starting to think and believe it. cause i don't want to tell mom. or as a co-worker said i should at least tell her that i out checked out. and that i didn't tell her because i didn't want to give her more stress than she already has. which she says will lessen the blow that i didn't tell her to begin with. and i also found out that mom does not know. and telephone does work. if you tell one person something the next person will hear something else and when it gets to the original person it's morphed into something else. so it's always good to go to the source when dealing with the telephone. or even word of mouth.

car is broken. T_T i am so sad. she'll try and kinda turn over but then doesn't complete the turning over. and when daddy put the starter fluid stuff in the place he put it she turned over and then reved really high and then fell in rpms and then died. she won't stay started. so we'll have to tow her to the place to fix her. so sad. T_T i am so dependent on my car. i didn't realize how much so until i had to have mom or brother or dad to take me where i wanted/needed to be.

i am now keeping track of my periods in my organizer. how long when and kinda strength. so that when i go to the doc i can say for sure when it last was and how long it lasted. not that they will be proud or care that i am keeping track but so that i can be more aware of my body and the like.

so with the car broken and not knowing if i use mom's car or just get rides from her so if i get rides i'll have to tell her why i am going to the doc. so i hope that linda will be able to pick me up or that i will have mom's car. casue i am not ready to tell her.

and it's cold. and i don't mean outside. my dad keeps the temp inside a touch cold for me. in the i would have to have at least a sweatshirt and blanket to keep warm. so it did get warm today. when i was out in the car trying to start it i think the temp was like 48 or something like it. having a heat wave tropical heat wave.

so i'm going so sign off for now until tuesday or so unless i try and do something on monday. night and loves to all.

what have i gotten myself into?

so i heard back from squishing my boob yesterday. and the radiologist saw a spot that they didn't like. don't know if they were male, female so i used they even though it was one person. anyways. i go back next tuesday. at too early in the morning. everyone keeps telling me it will be nothing and that it's going to be ok. i want to believe and part of me does. and a enormous part of me wants to believe. so i have two doctor's visits on tuesday. yea and fun for me. o and one more thing...mom might know. i was going to try and keep it from her until i found out that it was nothing or if it wasn't then i would tell her then. but no a co-worker might have told my mom. i am not sure i am checking with the person. i am not happy i am very angry with them if they did it. i know the person who told me would not lie to me about this. but i am going to give the other person a chance to tell their story.

nother note. still not with anyone. have never had a valentine on valentines. got a new phone. so i might be going to see the floo show on sunday. depeneds on if i get a phone call. would love to go see it. and hope that i get that phone call. guess that's all for now until i find out more to post. i'll try and keep the blog up-dated. night and loves.

did i do the right thing?

so this evening a woman comes into the store impaired. i don't know what's wrong i know she is horrible impaired. i'm thinking sick, really really drunk, high, someone slipped her something etc. she goes out to the car because she has forgotten her card. she returns gets some more items and is in the next lane. i tell her that i've got her stuff and so we add those items that she has she then searches for her card. can't find out goes back out to the car. returns again. grads more chips and dip. goes to look for card and can't find it. goes back out to car. during all this i have started discussing what is going on and possible causes. come up with what i said earlier. i then say should we tell the officer who is "on-duty" really off-duty but is there to "protect" us. i finally decide to tell the sacker to tell the officer. i should say that i don't care for the officer who was with us this evening. he is a Sergeant. does not deserves to be one but none the less he is one. so we tell him what's going on and then proceeds to go out and see what's going on. i don't know what happened out side. i do know that there was a kid in the car. the officer brought them inside and had them wait for rides. i assume that her mother came. or was an older woman who look of relation to the first woman. the second woman took the little boy with her. and two men came to get the first woman. she didn't like giving up her child or i assume he was her child, to the second woman. and didn't really want to go with the two men. i don't know what was said. her voice was mostly gone. i am pretty sure that the little boy will be alright. for the second woman had a aire of it will be alright in the morning. and we jsut have to get through right now it will be rough i lie to you. but in the morning it will be easier. i wish i could say the same for the first woman. was i right? i didn't want her to fall done and pass out and freeze to death, i didn't really want her driving. for me it was she is a human being. she at least needs something. i didn't know what. for i didn't know what was wrong. i do know she told the officer at first a differnt story. and then another one. and finally i guess some form of the truth. it just makes me feel horrible knowing that i told the officer and he did what he did. i think it was the wrong decison but i don't know if she just needed a room for the night, or what. but i don't know. it just makes me feel horrible knowing and or seeing what happened. i am sorry for what did happen. i wish i could have done more. or knew more. i just don't know if it was right.

no longer able to say that i've not been to the docs

so went to the docs on monday. for my first pelvic exam. excedlying WEIRD. VERY WEIRD. ok now that i'm over that. i get to go have my boob squished next tuesday. am so looking forward to that. and then the next week i get to meet with the regualr doc. am so excited i can hardly contain myself. it was a huge huge thing for linda to go with me. cause if she didn't go nothing would have happened. and i mean nothing. as in i would have refused to do anything that they asked. most likely i would have not shown up. and not cared that i missed it. the doc gave my some meds, to help clear up my cough. and i will start them today. and be done with them on sunday. fun. i am thankful for the friends who knew that i was going and were thinking of me while there. and that i have friends who do care and that i can tell these things to and not be blown off casue i'm imagining whatever. i am also thankful for linda who took time out of her schdule to come with me. i am greatful for her for so many things.

lighter note. i will miss my co-worker who is moving back home for now. i am glad that she is doing as she feels and not out of pressure from me or the work place. it will be lonely with the a-peeling jokes. or that being the yeast of it. ^^ and i too love the mama's and the papa's. i love good singing.

next week is valentines day. and writers group. i hope that i will be able to attend. i enjoy the group very much.

i should go to get dressed and go to work. good day and loves.

after work

so ready for this all to be over and done with. i'm not good at this as i've said before. linda called and am going to go in monday. yea how fun. T_T i so hate the docotor's office. i'm a wreck. i made it through today. didn't really talk to anyone though.
am currently watching harry potter. and guess what?! i am excited about this. the seventh book comes out on my birthday. how cool is that?! i am very excited and happy and wonderful news i think. ^^ so happy. at least it's one thing to look forward to. sunday night just before the supper bowl i am having dinner with the ltq group. ^^ happy about that. ^^ am ready for it to began again sot aht i can have community with them again. we have it all the time it's just different on sunday night. i am so glad that i bought some shirts to go under my work shirts. much warmer since there is no heat/they can't do anything to make store warmer.
read a fellow co-workers blog and found out she quit. am glad that she did. it was making her ill. i will miss her. but i am glad that she is going to take care of herself.
and i must again sign off once again early. night and loves.

friday

so it's friday. have an eight hour shift today. with all the wonderful people in the morning. i so need to find another job. am in the process of getting a docotor's appt. i so love the docotor. i am so terrified of going. and hearing what is going to be said. i've not slept the past two nights. and am waiting on a call from a linda to say when the appt is schduled. i am not good at this. i'm so jettery and scared. i am stuttering, shaking, twichting, and just plain almost crying when someone looks at me wrong. it's not cool. i'm a wreck. can't conterate. just want this to be over and ok. i am so not good at this.

so nother subject. saturday we interview an organist. and then on sunday we interview another one. i'm not sure how i feel about interviewing them back to back like that. warren's up. must leave and go get dressed. night for now.