ok wow lots of stuff to fill in on

ok so i finally got around to tell the one person that i called that things went as well as can be expected. on saturday john thomas the president of the UCC demonation was at coloinal. he was great. did not miss a beat or nothing. at the break during the four hour thing i left because i told karen that i would meet her at the mall. i finally got there about three thirty. she needed help picking out an outfit for her bulid a bear. while deciding what hers should wear i decided that i should get the cow and name it cocoa. (for those of you who don't know cocoa is the name of karens malcavian vampire. he is scared to death of cows.) i thought that it was great. he is wearing board shorts and a wife beater that has a dragon and some numbers on it. after getting the bears we called ben to see when he was going to make it for suchi. he said about six thirty. so we stayed at the mall a bit longer.
the place we had suchi at was named Mr. Suchi. which i thought was pretty neat. they had a roll called the 291 roll. it was awesome. loved it. had some futomachi rolls they are yummy. also had alaskian and calfiorna rolls. i've had better but that's alright it was suchi. which my family would never eat. also had the egg thing. i don't remember what it's called. but it was also good. the place is little but very nice. had purple wall and cool wall scrolls and pictures.
on sunday john thomas and david hansen lead worship. david hansen is the president of the kansas-oklahoma confernce. john thomas gave the sermon. it was good, kinda long but that could just be me right now.
did not go to bible study last night becasue i can't concertracte on much and am thinking and everyone is taking way to long to say something that could have easliy been said with fewer words. but also i was lost last week and felt that i would be lost again this week.
worked today. seeing john tomorrow. and e-mailing nancy. love e-mailing nancy. she is such a wonderful person who does not say no to someone who needs help. she is a real blessing to me right now. i don't know what told me to ask her or tell her but she's been wonderful.
that's what's been going on in my life.

i told mom

ok so on monday night i told mom that i was gay. this came about becasue on sunday mom told john and kevin that she would love her children no matter what. so i also went to talk to lisa. and lisa said that i should write mom a letter and then wait and answer any questions that mom might have. so that's what i did. i wrote mom a letter saying that it was not her fault and that i still loved her. the first words out of her mouth were "i'm trying to figure out which of your friends convinced you of this." so there i am sitting across the table trying not to yell "NONE OF MY FRIENDS CONVINCED ME OF THIS." so i said "none of them." she gave me a horrid look and i said "fine all of them." and she did not like that either but she settled for that i guess. she then went on to talk about not being to male or female. and how that the gay community can still take you for a ride. and i sais to that "the rules apply?" she did not like that but also took it in stride. so that's how monday night went. sunday is another matter.
sunday i went to leavenworth after church to meet with lisa and also for a instalation. the cermomy was nice and took an hour. so i was really pushing it to make it back to the church in time to help with dinner. but i did. also during this kat calls me and says that she wants to come to church. so i have mom pick her up and i took her home. all the while at church everyone who knows that i am gay is thinking that kat and i are together. so after church and chatting with kat for three hours about i mass e-mailed everyone that i had an e-mail address for. the one that i did not i just called her the next day.
ok that's all i have energy for. post more later.

i sorry that i did not post this sooner

ok so i told mom that i was gay on monday night. the first words out of her mouth were "i'm tyring to think of which of your friends convinced you of this." and i had to twist and contort myself into not spewing back at her no one convinced me of this, it took many years for me to accept who i am and be ok with it. but i did not because i figured that i would not fight that battle with her on the same day that this great shock came to her. and yes it was a shock. i thought that she had some clue or thought but no she did not. it was complete and utter shock. and then the next words were "and how are you going to tell your father." i was hoping that she would have a clue and help me tell him but since she had no clue and was in complete shock i did not. i am going to wait a bit in telling him until she comes to understand and accept it and then ask her what she thinks.
char is coming home morrow and will not have classes!!! karen is comgin home, also.
must get off puter it's getting low on battery and i don't want to hook it up right now so i'll post more morrow. happy st. pat's if i don't casue i'm going to try and go to the paradre.

much later

ok so it's been more than a day since i last wrote. much and nothign at the same time has happened. i talked to the lady at church for three hours. did not intend to tlak that long but it could have gone on longer had she said that's enough for today lets break. it was kinda awkard going to her place of employment to talk with her. said things aloud that i had thought but never voiced. i also sent her an e-mail saying that i did not want my parents at my funeral and not knowing with everyone else int he room knowing. and she freaked out. she thought that i was going to harm myself. not now that i've come so far. so i called her and she would not let me go until i said that i would seek help if i felt that way. which i'm sure she meant well but it does not always work.
and know that grandma will never accept me. or if she does it will take her a long time. i need to tell lisa. she needs to know. we went through a lot together. and it would not be right for her to not know.
finding another job is not working out all that well. in that i've not found one. so i'm going to stay and still look.
i'm starting to hang more with kat and i love it. and am starting to be happy again. not much else.