Thursday, August 31, 2006

been a while

sorry that's been a while. i've been reading other blogs and forget that i need to blog myself. also been trying to stave off going to the rubber room. i need to do something about that. played all day with kat. it was great. i love being with kat. i miss her when i've spent several days together and then nothing. i love spending the night in her bed. i love waking up next to her. i wish she was mine. but i also don't want to fuck up what we hav now. in that i love her as a friend. i value her friendship more than anything. i love the fact that she gets me out and tries new things. we are finishing up my bodice for fair. it's great. it will be so awesome when it's done. it'll take the dirt and mud so wonderfully. fair starts this weekend. and kat is back at fair. they cut some people who did not work very well and called her. she starts a new job at the mall. so i guess i'll rename my blog kat's blog from an outsider who loves her. lol ^^ so moving on. work sucks. still have not found a girlfriend. i'm listening to my brother watch tennis. it's funny. i'm glad that he like tennis. i like it too. it could be a starting point for us to talk if i knew the players better. maybe i should read up on the players. adn maybe i won't maybe we'll just always be this far. and now i've gotten into the woe as me part. i appologize. things to be thankful for: house to live in w/o rent, mom who loves me even though i'm gay, place of work that puts up with me even though i'm loud and crazy while there, the once yearly bag of circus peanuts, kat, kat's mom for being cool and loving her, kat's dad, my dad who comes to my resuce in the middle of the night when my car won't start, my church for everything they've done and are doing, having this moment in time with you reading.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

atempt two and others things

don't know what else i shoud post about alabama. i will try and find a school down there. i'm now back in misery. took a fews pics. have to find the cable to put the camera on and get the pics off.

will now start really looking for another job. two horrible accidents occured yesterday with cars. one person is in the ICU unit. and the other accident no one was hurt but a post was damaged. the officer that was there i really wish that another one had been there. becasue he just chewed the kid out and made him feel so small. i know that at one point the kid was curled up in the front seat during the "talk." i am not an officer but if i see that a kid is being that submissisive then something needs to be done. cause i see that bordering on abuse. if not abuse period. but i am also very senstive.

saw rent. loved it!!!!!!!!!! it was worth the wait of four years. i was sitting in my set and squeeing. and singing along. and making everyone around me misserible and i am sorry but i was so excited and happy. ^^ and they did the contact scene! we how fun is that. am getting tired now night.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

quizess

so i took some blog quizess cuase i was bored and waiting on e-mail. am done now.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

You Are a Henna Gaijin!

You're not Japanese, but you wish you were!
You can use chopsticks with your eyes closed, and you've memorized hundreds of Kanji.
You even answer your phone "moshi moshi."
While the number of anime videos you've seen is way higher than the number of dates you've been on, there's hope.
Play the sexy, mysterous gaijin, and you'll have plenty of Japanese meat.


Your Linguistic Profile:
65% General American English
20% Yankee
10% Dixie
0% Midwestern
0% Upper Midwestern


You Are Emerald Green

Deep and mysterious, it often seems like no one truly gets you.
Inside, you are very emotional and moody - though you don't let it show.
People usually have a strong reaction to you... profound love or deep hate.
But you can even get those who hate you to come around. There's something naturally harmonious about you.


Your Heart Is Purple

For you, love is about establishing and developing a deep connection.
If it's true love, it brings you more wisdom and inner strength.

Your flirting style: Sincere

Your lucky first date: An afternoon at a tea house

Your dream lover: Is both thoughtful and expressive

What you bring to relationships: Understanding


You Were a Koala

You value living life at a slow, peaceful, meditative pace.
You give insightful advice, helping others to overcome obstacles.


Cheese Pizza

Traditional and comforting.
You focus on living a quality life.
You're not easily impressed with novelty.
Yet, you easily impress others.


Your Luck Quotient: 69%

You have a high luck quotient.
More often than not, you've felt very lucky in your life.
You may be randomly lucky, but it's probably more than that.
Optimistic and open minded, you take advantage of all the luck that comes your way.


The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

You Are a Peacemaker Soul

You strive to please others and compromise anyway you can.
War or conflict bothers you, and you would do anything to keep the peace.
You are a good mediator and a true negotiator.
Sometimes you do too much, trying so hard to make people happy.

While you keep the peace, you tend to be secretly judgmental.
You lose respect for people who don't like to both give and take.
On the flip side, you've got a graet sense of humor and wit.
You're always dimplomatic and able to give good advice.

Souls you are most compatible with: Warrior Soul, Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul


You Are The Star

You represent the ultimate in truth and purity.
Insightful and illuminating, you provide guidance for others.
You also demonstrate unselfish, unconditional love.
You posses many spiritual gifts, including the ability to heal.

Your fortune:

Your future is looking brighter by the day.
The near future will be a time of both hope and healing.
Luck is about to come your way, perhaps the best luck you have ever seen.
Life is about to get a lot easier and much better!


You Are a Mermaid

You are a total daydreamer, and people tend to think you're flakier than you actually are.
While your head is often in the clouds, you'll always come back to earth to help someone in need.
Beyond being a caring person, you are also very intelligent and rational.
You understand the connections of the universe better than almost anyone else.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

atempt one

ok so i'm back. or at least mostly. my mind is still in alabama. did not want to come back. when we crossed the line from mississippi to alabama i knew. i knew when it happened phscyialy and knew that i was home. i did not look at the raod sign but knew in my body and soul that we had crossed it. i knew that i was home. i don't know how else to explain it. but i also know that i was scared and affarid. i am suprised that i made it back in one piece. that i was not shot or mamed or other wise harmed upon entering alabama. gald that no one thought that i needed killing. but that was possibly becasue i was not there long enough for me to be on anyones radar. but i usually fly excdlying low on radars in general. as in no one even thinks that i might be gay.

so we get down to aunt cindy's and i get everyone out of the car and unloaded. go off to bed and wake up the next morning to go to church. the sign out side of the church does not say southern bapisit but might as well. i enjoy the minister out of the pulpit but not in it. in it he is cocky, self rightous, loud and objnous. not really a problem with the loud. but everything else on the list. out side of the puplit he is kind, loving, gentle, giving, and many other qualities. i just don;t understand the two different people. the sermon was about the church serving christ. not a problem. until you read on when it says that the woman is servant to the man. and he then goes to say that this passage has been misconstrued and misused. which i'm ok with also. then he goes on to misconstru the passage himself. granted his wife is a woman that is subservent and like it and in having a wife like her he can pratice what he preachs. but how many women today are going to be like her? so here i was trying not to laugh and roll out of the pew and be a good little kristal which worked for the very short service. of which i was glad that it was short or i would have been in the floor rolling.
the minister brought over some orka from his garden and some tomatoes. the orka was good aunt cindy cut it up put a corn breading on it and then "fried" it. she reall just put it in the frying pan for a few minutes and stirred it. but it was good.

the music minister called on wensday and asked if he could bring his cat elliot over to stay so that he could go to the beach for a day. aunt cindy said yes and he brought e-rot (elliot nick name) over and he and hudini played and played. hudini is aunt cindys cat and she swears that it is her mom come to check on them. which i kinda agree in the i know that the cat was sent to check on them but i don't know it is grandma or not but i know that the cat does report to someone. i know it sounds crazy but i know it's true.

sunday after church we got in the pool and swam. we then had new york deli fro dinner. monday we swam. adn did nothing. it was great. tuesday did more of nothing. wensday had lunch with the minister and baby sat for his eldest. thursday went to an outlet strip mall and found new clothes. ^^ a lane bryant store was there and so mom had promised that if i help get us out and loaded that she would buy me a bra and a pair of jeans. so i now have a new pair of jeans and a bra. it's a good thing too because a bra of mine broke a couple of days before we went down. started my period on wensday. what fun that was. but at least we got sent to the store to pick up things taht were forgetten at sam's or walmart. so i picked up some tampons and pads. so i did not have to totally embarass myself in asking for a special trip into town. i did bring pads but not enough for that long. i thought that i might start on friday or saturday. school started on thursday for them. almost a week earlier then here.

went to church on sunday and the minister wife was preaching. she talked about her experince at women's retreat in inidania. the focus was dream on sister's dream on. it was the first DC (Diciples of Christ) and UCC (United Church of Christ) (Sister churchs) women's gathering. john said that she had some news to announce. i did not think much of it thought that it might be a new little one but he said htat in the crier that it was not and that i should not even be thinking that. so i let it go and waited to see what the news was. she started out reading. ad i thought to myself that she should not become a misiter becasue she was just reading but as she read it got better. her reading became more of who she is. more tha just facts. which is what she was reading in the first part. which when anyone reads facts it's just boring. and whlie she gave her sermon i did a thing i do with my eyes to see what i could see. and i saw it. i saw what i saw when i did it to one of the fill in ministers while john was in boston. i saw her energy. and saw that it was very similar to the other one. i've not tried this on john for many reasons, one is that it takes a lot of energy on my part to jsut focus on the body and not on what is being said. but with her i could do both. and with the other minister i could do both. so may be i should try it on john. but i still have not told you what her news was. while on the retreat they were told to write a dream on a ribbon that they were given at the being of worship the first night. and the more she thought about it the more she could not repress it anymore she was going to seminary. and she knew that that was her dream by the end of the retreat. that she could no longer deny it. am so very happy for her. i am so glad that her dream can come true. she is going to be going to the well known seminary here. and i give her props for it.

i hate to stop but it's almost one and i neede to get up early. night and i'll post more later.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

her eyes

so joan came by this morning. came by about 8:30ish. was most of the way ready. had to put a few more pieces of clothing on but otherwise ready. so while i put the rest of my clothes on she waited paitently outside in her car. we headed down and had a thought provacking conversation. i enjoyed it. and have realized that i was calm riding in her car. usually i have to white knuckle until i know how someone drives. not with joan. i was immedtaly put at ease in her car. even when john has driven me i've white knuckled. and probaly still will. but only durign times when i know that i would be driving differently. but not with joan. i had no reason to be worried or stressed or any problem at all. i got into the car and was put into a state of euphoria. which is insane. that's liek saying i got into an airplane and was flying alone. i thought that i was relaxed. compared to joan i'm stressed, worried, manic, and adhd. all in one. so then that means everyone who is more active than i am is running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. which is crazy. i try and not let anything get to me. i try and see all sides of the problem. and be a fair judge of what is going on and tell the truth as i see t to my friends and let them have the information that was given to me. most of the time they listen while i tell them but they don't do anythign with it. but that's alight. i don't always take information on the first giving either. of course joan and i have not had a converstaion that was not structed or other wise stated what we were going to talk about. i love those times. when you just get to talk about what ever is on your mind and not have to hurry and say what you came to say and leave. we talked on the way back about schools and where i was thinking about going and where i could go and what the different schools thought theologicaly. and was totlly honest with her. it's been so long since i've been honest with a real live person that it was so freeing and wonderful. we talked about going to alabamam and if aunt cindy knew about me being and if i was going to tell her. i am thinking about telling her but with joan telling me i need to look after myself first i might not tell her. she is southern baptist. the preacher that they have is an interesting guy. i know that he'll be down at cindy's house with us while we are there and having some meals with us also becasue he's kinda become part of their family. he's a nice enough guy. but i don't know where he stands on any issues. so it might be hard to get a time with just aunt cindy and me to tell her. so once again it was nice to talk openly about everything.

so i got packed today for alabama. expect for my keep kay happy bag.
i'm so happy. i'm so ready for this.
i'm so thankful that mom and dad are taking me and still love me. i am thankful for joan so much. i am thankful for each day i have with my friends. i am thankful that i have friends that love me ad care that i am sane some days. i am thankful that i can laugh instead of cry. i am blessed in that i live in a time that i can think and do what i feel. i don't do the things that i should please help me do better and love those that i have trouble dealing with. thank you for the job that pays the bills and for the oppertunity to go to school. please forgive me that i fall short of your goals for me and please let me do better in the future to give you praise and glory. for it is you who brought joan to me and let me see her beauty and knowldge that i have seen your grace in a couple of hours spent with her this morning. thank you for loving this world. amen.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

looking forward to alabama

saturday. i just have to make it to saturday. things have been not so great at work because i've been getting into fights with mj. one of the short green monsters at work. we differ greatly. no only pyschialy but also when it comes to treating others around you and working WITH, not for you. yes she is my elder but she is not my superior. adn yes i know that where ever i go there is going to be an mj. and in some cases i my be that person. i try my best at not being the pesmisit and always thinking that people are out to get me...ect don't know where to go from there cause i don't like that line of thinking nor can i be that far down on the world hates me scale.

thursday i'll be going down to umkc, thanks to joan. ^^ thank you.

packing. five sets of clothes. which clothes to take, which to leave and which to say yea i might want that in the bottom of the suit case so that no one sees. have many clothes in the suit case and towels and swimsuit. hope that anut cindy's pool is not too clorinated. that would suck. cause then i could not swim. but i just might have to swim anyway to enjoy the peel of sunburn and a migraine. won't enjoy the migraine. will enjoy the ride/drive down. enjoy being with anut cindy.

finished a water bottle holder. made it to tall and the strap to long but that's alight i can shorten the strap and deal with it being to tall.

so apparently i'm doing this late at night cause i can't sleep. and thus the cycle begins. i should put a stop it it now. and go to bed early. so i my not be blogging so often. night.