family

so this weekend closes and that annual cousions reunion is over. and the usual question was asked. or at least the boyfriend subject was flown to see if i would pluck it down and bring in and rescue me. which is crazy. i don't know when i'll tell them. i know that i will have to tell them. i wish that they would understand. mom and aunt sue, were trying to get the family tree going. and don't know if they got anywhere. but at least we got to see pictures and line up the names with pictures.

missed church this morning. and i did not realize how much the church is apart of me. i wanted to be with my family but also i know that the church is part of my family. but this family i only get to see once a year and so far each year there are regualrs and then there are cousions who did not make it to the others, for many vaired reasons.

so this saturday we go to alabama. YEA^^ i love aunt cindy. have not told aunt cindy don't know if mom has told her. i think that she should know becasue she desivers to know and i think that she'll be alright with it. don't know since she has been in the south for so long but i know that i'm not her child but she has been freer with me than with brother. or at least it seems that way to me. don't know how the trip will be but i hope that it will be able to be fight free.

i don't like seeing or hearing my parents fight for any reason. some fights happen becasue no one talks about what needs to happen or what is happening.so i've started talking about these thigns but it does not seem to be rubbing off. no one cares except if i don't do something. again with the negative reinforcement. yea how fun it that. so it seems that the nile has taken up residency in kansas city, in my house. flooding my house with slience.

so on friday i helped mom get ready for reunion. i measured, stirred, chopped, boiled water. i cooked. what's even better is that during all this cooking i did some laurndary. and hung it out. all the while saying to myself, "i hate domesticy." poor joe, he had to hear all about it at starlight. did not stay to see the show but the gate did nto have any shade but that was ok because we talked and enjoyed the time with each other. did not really bond but got more info on someone. and found out that i have more in common with them than before. and realized why i've always gotten the look from a mom and daughter team. it's cause i'm the youngest and they are not. they are oldest and middle? will have to check with mary grace to see.

there is so much more but it's kinda late and i get to have kinda a late morning tomorrow at work.

why am i blammed for thigns that i have no control over? or if i have any control it's so minuate that it really doesn't matter if i give my say or not.

lets see if i can post a photo

ok so it's a year old but it's the only pic i have of me on the puter.

today the 25th

so i've decided that i'm not going to wear my pride this weekend becasue i don't know who will understand and who won't so it'll be easier for them not to know. yes my tat will show but it also has another meaning. i should type up my mothers of coloinal poem and post it. just becasue it is time. am now reading hilary's book. so far it's interesting. tomorrow is crier day and linda wants me to help her polish some candle sticks. should call the children soon. don't know if i could do it tomorrow but i should at least try to knock out some of them. i should get my tat touched up. need to go done to umkc. i don't like going down there. i'll go if someone esle is with me but i just don't like going down there alone. almost done with the hat. the blanket is getting bigger. and the scarf is not. i need to work on it also but i might try and redo it so it looks better. but it's already a good length. would still like to learn to knit socks. i think susan is kinda offering but i'm not sure. susan is great. john is back from new england. will see how his trip was if he has time to talk to us while we do the crier. still need to write up joans' poem on the paper i bought for it. i keep trying and it looks horrid. maybe i'll see if someone else will write it for me. don't know who. wonder if i could be computer literate enough to get it to print for me? might try that also.
so mommy cable asked if anybody else in the family knows about me. i told her dad did not know. and was called a chicken shit, but then she said maybe in twenty years he'll get to know. that sounds about right. i'm sure brother knows. or i would at least hope he knew what the rainbow means. he might not. but then again he might. and in mommy cable asking that she found out that the family doesn't talk. wish i could talk to meredith. or e-mail her. mommy cable was supposed to e-mail her with my e-mail. don't know if she has but i hope so. so i get to close morrow night. amber said that mama johnson is going to be coming back. have not seen her yet but am still waiting. i should give her a call also. canceled knitting last night. i was so drained that breakout took me an hour and a half. when normaly it only takes about four-five minutes.
still don't know where to go to meet people instead of bars. so i'll sign off with that thought.

happy to me.

so here it is my birthday and i had a blast. went to church this morning to help linda clean out the sacrisity. when i got there she and tom already had one of them cleaned out and was wondering what to do with all the stuff. ada got there shortly after i arrived. we went to the other side and started cleaning out the vases. she paired it done to one and half shelves. which form the three and a box is great. but we also kept a box to refill when low.

little c called during all this and started talking and talking. i got the jist of what she was saying but not what she wanted to i asked if i could call her back.
went back to cleaning and carried everything out of the other room. was kinda wondering what to do with some the stuff when i remembered that i should call little c back. so i did and she wanted me to come and be with her becasue she was going on a date and did not know what to wear. so i went in and talked to linda and said that little c was freaking out about this date and that she needed someone to hold her hand for a bit. so she told me that it was alright and that i could go. during this talk i came out to her and she was fine with it.
i should nto be this scared to tell people. but i seem like a wounded dog with the topic that i can't help but be scared. so i went and got charoltte and we went to meet little c at fashion bug. we then went to bd's and had lunch. and then walked around the mall for a bit. went into torrid and bought some stuff, then headed over to lane bryant. had to hurry off the go usher at starlight. only to find out that it's not till next week and the 22nd of sept. so i then called kat. her and jen were hanging at kats' house. so i went home and grabed a couple of movies and headed out towards kats'. renee showed up about ten and tells us of her trip to colorado. and how many pictures she and the rest of her family took. it's been a good day. i hope that everyone else had a good day even if it was not there birthday.

wow too much time has past since i last updated

ok so this past week has been a blur. sis not really want to go to work anyday this week. when i was off i saw the devil wears prada. loved it. but i love merle streepe. anne hathaway was also in it and did a very awsome job of acting. ltq is trying to get off for the fall session. it's going slow and with john being out of town it's even harder becasue we can't talk to him and see what he has on his agenda or has already done. but i'll be ok we've still got about five almost six weeks until we start. ross is still a horrible schduler. we(the workers) would like to have a semi-set schdule to know when we work so that we might be able to plan things for the following week with out the schdule in our hands on saturday. but by the time the schdule is out it's to late to try and schdule things. my birthday is on friday. and i have no idea what i'm going to do. or if i'm going to do anything. i have the day off. i did not ask for it off but he gave it to me. i need to call mama johnson. have not talked to her in a while and should touch base with her. have talked to stick kinda recently. but i should also call him. next weekend is the cousions family reunion. looking forward to it. get to see aunt sue and other cousions that like to ask when am i going to get a boyfriend. have not decided if i'm going to wear my pride. don't know how many of them would know what it is. the cables at church today knew what my pride was and did not have a problem with it. ^^ am so happy about that. i was so happy about it that i was bouncing off the walls from giddyness at work and on top of that being happy. so i was almost like hammie when he gets an engery drink in over the hedge. i want to talk about friday night but i also don't want to give it power. but in not talking about it but still talking about it in saying that something happened am i giving it power? i don't know. it's late and i get up in the morning for work. night.

after the fourth

so it's the fifth. work sucked casue peggy was being her normal bitchy self. glad that mj was not there. having to put up with mj and peggy would not have gone over well with me rolling out of the bed at 10:30 and getting there at 10:33. and then not really waking up until five thirtyish. here at ihop now with karen and jenn. why does have to be so many people named jennifer. (we're everywhere.) poor jen. stabs a different jen to death. to many fucking jens. the name needs to stop. way to many. with each person i meet after meeting this other jen makes me want to kill something casue then i think about the other jen. now if that's not confusing enough...let me introduce you to my chilten. jennifer. she has not been concived yet...looks around, sees no good candiates for the job. guess i won't have a chilten. darn. ha ha. and it's one. i have to work morrow. only a six hour shift. much better than the five eight hours that i finished today. five in a row. six days in a row. but i know i should not complain. i have a job and they work with me on my schdule kinda. blah blah blah. end.