so i have not posted how thankgiving went

so here it is. thursday morning mom and i were trying to get all the things that we were supposed to take to aunt carey's cooked and ready to put in the car. while doing this dad makes comment on the turkey that mom cooked last night and what we were going to be doing with that. so mom puts everything down and starts putting the turkey in litle baggies so that it'll fit in the fridge. while doing this dad starts mashing the tatters and asks how much milk and how much butter to put in them. mom tell dad that you eyeball it. you'll just know. and i knew that, that was not the answer he was looking for. he wanted so much butter and so much milk for so many pounds of tattters. which as it turns out dad is not very good at eyeballing it. the tatters were more than a bit lumpy and dry. but we ate them anyway. so we finaly get everyone and thing in the car. and head out. make it to aunt carey's without a problem. aunt carey is still cooking somethings when we arrive so we talk while we wait on dana and rachel. they arrive and carey finishes cooking. grandma says grace. grandma or grandad always say grace. not that i have a problem with them saying grace. i guess i was just expecting that it might fall to me. i guess i was to hopeful. i was definitly jumping the gun on that one. having the family have me say grace. but in my family the one who says grace rules us all. and in saying it now i know it also. i know that grandma rules and expects that she is to return grace. which i totaly understand. it is her right to rule and return grace. she has earned that right. and to pass that right down to someone as low as me would be wrong in so many ways in her eyes. and i am would be wrong in so many ways if she knew that i am gay. it would shock and appal her. after dinner i went to the plaza lighting with some friends. where we have made it a tradation. it's a nice tradation. i enjoy it very much. i get to spend time and that evening with them. i get to spend thankgiving with them. i am thankful that they are my friends. i am thankful that i have family in which to spend thankgiving with. i love and cherish them. and love them. even aunt carey. i did try this year. and she seemed different some how. i don't know if it has been becasue she is now a grandma or because i was trying. but she seemed more loving.

now for something comlpetly different. we had the ona open fourm on sunday. it went well those who had something to share did. or those who had questions asked. we could not/did not answer them all becasue we(the task force) did not know ourselves. mom made a comment. and after the fourm one of the other task members asked me if my grandparents were members. and i said yes. ever since they moved up here from indepence ks and found the church. then the member asked for their names. i told the member their names. and now i have the feeling that the member is going to have a chat with my grandparents that mom nor i could have. for risk of gettign me out of the closet to them. it would be wonderful if this member were to talk to my grandparents. and at least have the seed growing and be able to see things from another light. and it would be nice if i were to be accepted by them. i would love them all the more. i lvoe them now but i am afarid to tell them for fear of losing their love.

good night and loves.

the yearly duty

the yearly duty of me around this time of year is toasting the bread to make stufing. and then ripping it into little pieces. it is now done. only took about two hours. this year we will be going to aunt carey's. and i am so thrilled. i am glad that i only have about 24 hours notice on that. it's just that aunt carey never has liked or cared for me i don't think. i mean not the way aunt cindy does. aunt carey if never johnson county. very martha stewart. which i am not. not even in my wildest dream would i ever become martha stewart. except for the whole jail thing. or maybe it's just that she always been different from the rest of the family. maybe i need to accept her. i don't know. i'll difinitly give it a try.

was talking to sharon today and she helped me realize that dana could be wanting to be out like me. and can't. that would totally hurt. not being able to be out and want to be. i know what that's like. i can be a friend to help. but i don't know what else. i would like for her to be able to be out but unless she sees it as an option it won't happen.

i am so glad that i already got the acolyte for this week. last week the person who "runs" the pilgram service forget to tell us that she already had an acolyte for sunday. i had already gotten someone. so i had to call them and tell them that they could not this week but could they do it next week. i am so glad that the acolyte was willing and understanding that they would. i am also thankful that this acolyte did not throw a fit. and is very flexable.

things to be thankful for:
family that loves me, friends that love and support me, my church family that loves and supports me, a place at my parents house to live in, my job, other bloggers, the RGPB, cause i love reading what's up with them, my past, and my future God willing.

good night and loves

bob

so bob's service was today. it was nice. his son and daughter got up and talked about him. and so did his son-in-law. they said that bob never really said that he loved them but that he knew that he did becasue he was always showing. genny, nancy, and jay were all there. before the service i saw mary in the breeze way. she was in a stream of tears. nad i can understand. her brother-in-law who always was there from them was gone. so i went up and hugged and talked to her for a bit until molly tried to corral everyone into the heratige room. so molly did herd the cats into the room. so the service goes and after it they have lunch down in the social hall. martha was greeting people as par for her. so was molly. i don't know if i missed the que to hug martha and in turn made her feel worse or if i give off the don't hug me vibe. i don't know. but other than mary none of the family hugged me. nor anyone else there. or am i expecting to much to give and receive hugs at a service? and i know that i should not make this about me. i know. it's just that i felt alone and not wanted. but i know that they cared becasue they asked how i was doing adn meant it. am i some how a part of the problem? and if so what is that problem so that i can fix it. or is it that i usually am up beat and going and going. so that it made them not able to deal with me? i don't know. bob will be missed.

bob

bob died sometime last night. i don't know what time but his service will be on friday. i will be going. he will be missed greatly. i am sorry to publish this sad post. i was going to try and be up beat for a while but not while my family suffers. i can not idly stand by and do nothing. although that's what i'm going to have to do. he was a good and kind man. he helped raise three wonderful children. and now has four grandchildren and four step-grandchildren? he was husband to a lovely wife named molly, who is now gathered with their two surviving children. and now it's starting to sound like an obituary. which i had no intention of writing. but how else do i tell you about bob. i did not know him every well but that's becasue i didn't make an effort. the effort i made was in knowing his wife and one of his children. i know that i am sadden by his passing becasue he was a person who helped with everything or on the maintance side of everything. molly did the rest. ^^ they were a great team. together. i will say that bob has left his mortal body behind. his spirit has gone on.

another member of the family died and his sercive was monday at 11:00. his was unexpected. he was sick but he did not let on that he was that sick. bud was a good man. his wife is a wonderful woman.

i am sorry to have this such a sad post. there was just no way of me not posting about this. my prayer go up to these members of my family.

up lift time

lol so it's time to blog an up lifting blog. it's been a while. monday night for the knitting group that i've started, a new person came. ^^ yea!! it was not just me! so it's exciting. then tuesday i did nothing all morning. that was great also. wensday came around and amber and i switched shifts so that i could help with the crier and go to writers group. it was wonderful to see everyone again. i had not been able to make it to help with the creir on wensdays cause of the schdule change. but it was a good thing because pauline was out sick and nancy was there taking her place. she does a good job just does not know how to do the crier. so i spent the morning with people i enjoy and love. it was great. yesterday i worked in the early morning and woke up ten minutes before i was suppossed to be there. got there and clocked in at eight. read harry potter in the down time of the morning. came home and helped mom a bit and showered and then went to bell choir. which i've not been very friendly to recently becasue of the wonderful bosses schduling. but since i got to go home and talk with mom and shower i was a completly different person. don't know if anyone noticed becasue we are reshusing to play on sunday but it was great to be in there presence without the angry vibe on my end. that's all for now.

the day after

so it's the day after all saint's/souls day. depending on faith which you call it one of the morning sacker reminded me yesterday. i said that it was all saint's day and he said that no it was all souls day so i let it go and then remembered that we have slightly different versions of christanity. so others have been blogging about saints in their life. so i am going to also. there have been many. one of them is a wonderful mom/preacher/wife/etc. named lisa. she was there when i was in middle school through high school. which was very rough for me. she was there when i lost my grandma, when i thought that no one cared. she accepted me for who i was and doen't care that she was my first crush. she still makes me feel special like i matter. it's nice, and wonderful and so like her.

another is a family. they have supported my and their daughter. they have cared for my like a daughter. and i a sister to her. and again any time i see them or their daughter i knew that i am a part of their family.


so i did nothing exciting for halloween. i was not schduled like normal on a tuesday. so i did not dress up. i should have and gone in and pretended to work or something. i went to kell's and hung out with her and scott and lestat. we then went to another crystal's house and played magic and passed out candy and in generalhad a good time. ran out of candy aobut nineish. went home about tenish cause i had work in the morning. still looking for a different job. cause he is still not listening.