her eyes

so joan came by this morning. came by about 8:30ish. was most of the way ready. had to put a few more pieces of clothing on but otherwise ready. so while i put the rest of my clothes on she waited paitently outside in her car. we headed down and had a thought provacking conversation. i enjoyed it. and have realized that i was calm riding in her car. usually i have to white knuckle until i know how someone drives. not with joan. i was immedtaly put at ease in her car. even when john has driven me i've white knuckled. and probaly still will. but only durign times when i know that i would be driving differently. but not with joan. i had no reason to be worried or stressed or any problem at all. i got into the car and was put into a state of euphoria. which is insane. that's liek saying i got into an airplane and was flying alone. i thought that i was relaxed. compared to joan i'm stressed, worried, manic, and adhd. all in one. so then that means everyone who is more active than i am is running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. which is crazy. i try and not let anything get to me. i try and see all sides of the problem. and be a fair judge of what is going on and tell the truth as i see t to my friends and let them have the information that was given to me. most of the time they listen while i tell them but they don't do anythign with it. but that's alight. i don't always take information on the first giving either. of course joan and i have not had a converstaion that was not structed or other wise stated what we were going to talk about. i love those times. when you just get to talk about what ever is on your mind and not have to hurry and say what you came to say and leave. we talked on the way back about schools and where i was thinking about going and where i could go and what the different schools thought theologicaly. and was totlly honest with her. it's been so long since i've been honest with a real live person that it was so freeing and wonderful. we talked about going to alabamam and if aunt cindy knew about me being and if i was going to tell her. i am thinking about telling her but with joan telling me i need to look after myself first i might not tell her. she is southern baptist. the preacher that they have is an interesting guy. i know that he'll be down at cindy's house with us while we are there and having some meals with us also becasue he's kinda become part of their family. he's a nice enough guy. but i don't know where he stands on any issues. so it might be hard to get a time with just aunt cindy and me to tell her. so once again it was nice to talk openly about everything.

so i got packed today for alabama. expect for my keep kay happy bag.
i'm so happy. i'm so ready for this.
i'm so thankful that mom and dad are taking me and still love me. i am thankful for joan so much. i am thankful for each day i have with my friends. i am thankful that i have friends that love me ad care that i am sane some days. i am thankful that i can laugh instead of cry. i am blessed in that i live in a time that i can think and do what i feel. i don't do the things that i should please help me do better and love those that i have trouble dealing with. thank you for the job that pays the bills and for the oppertunity to go to school. please forgive me that i fall short of your goals for me and please let me do better in the future to give you praise and glory. for it is you who brought joan to me and let me see her beauty and knowldge that i have seen your grace in a couple of hours spent with her this morning. thank you for loving this world. amen.