umk so i chickened out

umk so as the title says i chickened out. i was supposed to go out this evening of the closed minded ona people. lol i was supposed to go to the floo show with the woman who hit on me at work. i told her not this evening because i was not dressed, car is broke. the real reason...i am so scared. i don't know. i am so scared of the unknown that i can't move forward. i want to. i want to have a relationship. it's like repelling. the first step over the edge is so scary that you don't want to but when that's over you're going so quickly and wonderfully that you don't realize what it took to get to the high and want to do it again but then it's the first step all over. and this could be my real first relationship that could go either good or bad. it that i've had so much baggage with the others and neither of us in the relationship was ready for one. but was just looking to not be alone. which is not good in general to go into a relationship. which at the time you say i am not going into this so that i won't be alone but deep down you know it's true or you would not have started with saying that to begin with. so i just need to suck it up and get a little help from whoever to get that first step down.

so i am still scared about tuesday. everyone that i talk to keeps telling me it will be ok. and i am starting to think and believe it. cause i don't want to tell mom. or as a co-worker said i should at least tell her that i out checked out. and that i didn't tell her because i didn't want to give her more stress than she already has. which she says will lessen the blow that i didn't tell her to begin with. and i also found out that mom does not know. and telephone does work. if you tell one person something the next person will hear something else and when it gets to the original person it's morphed into something else. so it's always good to go to the source when dealing with the telephone. or even word of mouth.

car is broken. T_T i am so sad. she'll try and kinda turn over but then doesn't complete the turning over. and when daddy put the starter fluid stuff in the place he put it she turned over and then reved really high and then fell in rpms and then died. she won't stay started. so we'll have to tow her to the place to fix her. so sad. T_T i am so dependent on my car. i didn't realize how much so until i had to have mom or brother or dad to take me where i wanted/needed to be.

i am now keeping track of my periods in my organizer. how long when and kinda strength. so that when i go to the doc i can say for sure when it last was and how long it lasted. not that they will be proud or care that i am keeping track but so that i can be more aware of my body and the like.

so with the car broken and not knowing if i use mom's car or just get rides from her so if i get rides i'll have to tell her why i am going to the doc. so i hope that linda will be able to pick me up or that i will have mom's car. casue i am not ready to tell her.

and it's cold. and i don't mean outside. my dad keeps the temp inside a touch cold for me. in the i would have to have at least a sweatshirt and blanket to keep warm. so it did get warm today. when i was out in the car trying to start it i think the temp was like 48 or something like it. having a heat wave tropical heat wave.

so i'm going so sign off for now until tuesday or so unless i try and do something on monday. night and loves to all.